Still Wondering....

... why they call them "Leaf Blowers" when they're so GOOD at blowing dried-up dog turds into your neighbor's yard.

R

For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge

My boy has started to use a fork when he eats. In fact, he pretty much requires it before he'll start anymore. If you've ever been around someone who is 18 mos old, you may have noticed that they don't necessarily ennunciate all the time.

Basically, this means that the MPAA would probably rate the first minute of dinner at our house NC-17. Seriously. It sounds like someone is in a room beating on Eddie Murphy and Robin Williams's thumbs with a BFH. I'm not talking about "Daddy Day Care" or "Mrs. Doubtfire" here. I'm talking about Delirious, Raw, and Robin Williams standup from the first half of the 80's. Lenny Bruce and Andrew "Dice" Clay's career are both wincing in their graves.

We really, really need to work on the "R" sound.

Ryan

Building valuable street cred

So, my boy likes Pumpkins. Like, he likes them ALOT. So whenever he sees them, he yells: "Punk-INS." That's all well and good, and to be truthful, it's damn cute.

However.

Sometimes it sounds like he's saying: "Punk-ASS" I'm really thankful that we live in a small town where this sort of thing isn't going to start some sort of turf war. Someday I'm sure we'll be somewhere where he will see a "Punk-INS" and a "Punk-ASS" at the same time. Then, when the PA looks at me and says "What did he say?" I can say "Pumpkin." But Oli and I will know the truth.

Here's to all you punkasses,

Ryan

Snake Oil

The internet has made it ever-so-easy for people to get conned.(Thanks, Al Gore!) The thing iS, it has also made it really easy for people to completely debunk the con-men in a rather public forum. So, those of us who know a thing or two take great pride in doing just that. Now, I don't want you to think that I'm some heartless a-hole (I am, but I don't want you to think that I am) who goes around picking on people. But when some hoser shows up and tries to sell people a can of marbles for $150 each, I get a little miffed.

And just to set the record straight: There are no miracles in the automotive industry. The closest thing they've ever had (aside from the assembly line) was the invention of the catalytic converter. There were no "secret carburetors" in the 60's that would allow a Lincoln Town Car weighing every bit of 3 tons with a 400 cubic inch big block to get 80 mpg. To be honest, the idea itself is ludicrous, and I'm sorry if you or someone you love has believed it. If someone is trying to sell you some "magic device" that "detroit doesn't want you to know about," guess what? THEY'RE LYING.

The bottom line: Don't buy snake oil. If you are an idiot, you need to find someone you trust so that you can bounce ideas off of them before you go spending your hard-earned cash on some Tornado Fuel Saver. If you're not sure if you're an idiot, ask a friend, unless they're an idiot. Probably a good rule of thumb is: If you're not sure if you're an idiot, but you're SURE your friend is an idiot, you're probably an idiot too. You guys tend to travel in packs. (I think you have to carpool because you wasted all your money on The Turbonator.) I'd ask my friends to prove it to you, but they're all idiots.

Anyway, I'm late for my carpool.

Ryan

Lucrative Business

Having responded to several other blogs this week, I have discovered that my son must have a secret contract with blogger.com. He babbles incessantly, and they record his ramblings and turn them into "word verification" phrases.

I have no idea what he's doing with the money.

slkejee,

Ryan

New Kid on the Block

Rocco's Repartee

Who does this guy think he is? Only posting for a month, and he's already got a plethora of high-quality, thought-provoking posts?

Seriously, read it, you'll like it.

Welcome, Rocco.

Hangin' Tough,
Ryan

Finally

I finally broke 50 mpg in my Jetta. It took almost a year of doing things to try to improve my fuel economy. I used to average about 42 mpg, now I average about 48. My all-time high for one tank is now 52.33 mpg. Here are the things I have done to improve my economy:

1. Slow Down! (I try to drive 55 mph everywhere I go.)
2. Use premium fuel. This is NOT important on a gas engine unless your engine is designed for it. It is VERY important in a diesel.
3. Switched to a lightweight, low-friction engine oil. (Elf Evolution CRV 0w30)
4. Advanced my injection timing.
5. Monitor tire pressure, and run max psi (51 psi)
6. Use low rolling resistance tires. (I run Michellin Energy MXV4)
7. Don't use air conditioning in the summer.

So there you have it. If EVERYONE could do things to improve their fuel economy this much, we could stop importing oil from the Middle East. (of course, we really CAN'T do that, but we COULD import less)

Just something to think about.

Frugally,
Ryan

Blogerati

I heard(saw) the term "Blogerati" this morning. How come I'm not hip to this new elitist categorization. Hmmm. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my sorry carcas hasn't posted to my blog in a long, long time. Man, I suck.

R

Slight Difference

SWEET! The composer works in Firefox for me now. I don't have to write in HTML

Now, what I was really here to say:

Flowers that grow perennially are MUCH different than flowers that grow perianally. So, always make sure before you stop and smell the roses.

Also, since some asshat posted spam to my comments section, I have turned on "word verification" which should, in most cases, distinguish legitmate comments from machine implemented ones.

Later,
Ryan

Snooze Playlists

Every morning, I snooze my alarm about 6 times. During those 6 brief interludes of local FM madness, I hear snippets of songs drifting through my semi-conciousness. The rest of the day, I hear songs in my head that I'm pretty sure I heard on the radio that morning. This is complicated by the fact that our local radio station plays lots of '80's tunes that I also listened to when I was a kid. It is FURTHER complicated by the fact that I'm pretty sure that the radio station plays the songs on a multi-day rotation... meaning that every 9 days or so I'm hearing the same songs at the same time. "Tainted Love" and "Don't you Forget About Me" are floating around in there with the likes of "Karma Chameleon." It really messes up my mental Jukebox.

Wake me up before you go-go,

Ryan

The Quintessence of Why I Read Neal Stephenson.

Here is an excerpt from a book called "The System of the World" by Neal Stephenson. It captures just about everything that I like about him. "The System of the World" is the third volume in a series called "The Baroque Cycle" Highly Recommended.

From page 457: "In an apt demonstration of the principle of Relativity, as propounded by Galileo, the bawdy platter , and the steaming morsels thereon, remained in the same position vis-a-vis Daniel, and hence were, in principle, just as edible, as if he had been seated before, and the pies had been resting upon, a table that was stationary with respect to the fixed stars. This was true despite the fact that the carriage containing Daniel, Isaac Newton, and the pies was banging around London. Daniel guessed that they were swinging round the northern limb of St. Paul's Churchyard, but he had no real way of telling; he had closed the window-shutters, for the reason that their journey to Bedlam would take them directly across the maw of Grub Street, and he did not want to read about today's adventure in all tomorrow's papers.

Isaac, though better equipped than Daniel or any other man alive to understand Relativity, shewed no interest in his pie -- as if being in a state of movement with respect to the planet Earth rendered it Not a Pie. But as far as Daniel was concerened, a pie in a moving frame of reference was no less a pie than one that was sitting still: position and velocity, to him, might be perfectly interesting physical properties, but they had no bearing on, no relationship to those properties that were essential to pie-ness. All that mattered to Daniel were relationships between his, Daniel's, physical state and that of the pie. If Daniel and Pie were close together both in position and velocity, then pie-eating became a practical, and tempting, possibility. If Pie were far asunder from Daniel or moving at a large relative velocity -- e.g., being hurled at his face -- then its pieness was somehow impaired, at least from the Daniel frame of reference. For the time being, however, these were purely Scholastic hypotheticals. Pie was on his lap and very much a pie, no matter what Isaac might think of it."

excerpted from "The System of the World" - Neal Stephenson

Bonus points were scored here for:

1. Using the words vis-a-vis and asunder.
2. Being two complete paragraphs of digression.
3. Relativity was NEVER so funny. Ever.

Pick up one of his books and start reading. You won't be disappointed.

Ryan

Steaming Pile

Have you seen the new GTO? I mean in person, not in the pages of a magazine, or on TV. This thing is a heap. When you hear or see the badge "GTO" it conjures an image in your mind.

It is not a comfortable experience to have that vision forcibly ripped from your neurons by the icy grip of reality.

Vis-a-vis the styling: It is the very best that 1998 has to offer. Too bad this is 2005.

There are people all over america right now saying: "Wow! look at that Cavalier go!"

I predict the death of GM in 10 years or less.

Ryan

Diesel Madness

This car is now owned by a good friend of mine. He used to be a hybrid guy. I kept working on him and working on him, and now he seems to be converted. This may not be a good test with a proper control group, however, due to the lack of available hybrids for $300(US)

Anyway, he's toying with the idea of a blog to track progress of the car, and if he does, y'all will be the first to know.

Also, once I get my diesel paid off later this year, I will start looking for my very own old mercedes. Got to keep up with the Joneses, and all.

Ignited by Compression,
Ryan

Serious Stuff

OK. For all of you that have been clamoring for a new post: Here it is. I'm usually a pretty light-hearted guy, but sometimes I like to deal with serious issues. The serious issue that I'm going to deal with today is:

Hormel Black Label Bacon.

If you are not eating this bacon, you might as well be shoving dirt into your undeserving cakehole. This stuff is awesome. It is the pinnacle of the Bacon Experience.

Once fried to a crispy finish, it is the ultimate breakfast food. Add a couple of over-easy eggs and some well-buttered toast, you've got a feast to start your day.

Those of you on the Atkins or South Beach diet should be eating at least one package of this bacon, per day. It is a stepping-stone on the road to slimness.

Also, you should be able to stick a wick in any available artery and light your way to freedom, should you ever be lost in an underground cavern.

Enjoy,
Ryan

Evolution

I was just cooking dinner, and I found an egg that was really long and narrow. So, there's at least one chicken out there being a positive force for change.... one egg at a time.

check ya later!

Ryan

Comments... From readers even!

Woot! Somebody is actually reading my blog. You know who you are. Well, you! Because if you're reading this, you're reading my blog. But, you are not the "you" I was talking about, unless you're one of the "you"s that posted a comment.

Feel free to join that elite group of "you"s, you.

In lieu of a witty close,

Ryan

The Smoosh Test

My son has developed a new test for anything that we attempt to feed him. I have named it "The Smoosh Test"

The procedure is very simple: If food is placed in front of you, you must take your pointer finger and attempt to drive the food down into the surface it is resting on.

One thing I have not figured out, however, is what constitutes a "pass" and what constitutes a "fail." Rest assured, things DO fail the smoosh test. Solid things tend to pass the smoosh test more often that mushy things.

It must be cool to be a baby, as this behavior is completely tolerated by all who witness it. I'm sure that if I tried to smoosh all of my food before consumption, I would have hell to pay.

l8r,

Ryan

haveyoueverfixedaspacebaronalaptop?

Quite simply, I just received the funniest IM I've ever gotten. See subject for details.

Ryan

Invisible Ink

Remember when you were a kid, and you could write on paper with lemon juice, and it would be invisible, and then you could hold it near a light bulb, and it would become visible?

That was so cool.

Another thing that is very cool is the MS Challenge Walk. My wife has MS, and has decided to participate. It is a 3 day, 50 mile walk to raise money and awareness for MS research. She has to raise $2500, or make up the difference herself. You can donate here.

Anyway, have a gander at that site, and please donate if you feel like it. I'm going to eat lunch.

Later,
Ryan

Whole Milk

Oliver(my son) now drinks whole milk instead of formula. My wife and I are skim milk people, so I'm not used to having it around... but now we do.

Benefits for Oliver:

Vitamins A & D
Milkfat
Grow up to be a strong, healthy boy.

Benefits for Me:

Milkshakes
No more mixing formula
Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (sooooo much better with whole than skim!)
Did I mention the milkshakes?

Passion

I admire people that have a passion for something... anything. It's really cool to see someone totally engrossed in their thoughts and ideas, and then to see them bring all of that stuff into the world around them.

This guy has passion. I had the opportunity to meet him a few weeks ago, and it was a very cool experience. We talked for a few hours about TDI's and went out to test some of the recent modifications that he had made. You can see from his website that he's very interested in what he can do to his car. But beyond that, he takes the time to be very detail oriented, to make sure that the things that he does "match up" with his design philosophy. It seems like that is a rare quality these days.

If you ever have the chance to meet Scott, I highly recommend it... especially if you get to ride in his car. His quest for drivability/performance has really paid off, and is a great example of an economy car that is BLAST to drive.

Peace out.

Living Precariously

Sorry if you tuned in because you thought this was going to be some relevatory post about how I'm careening towards self-destruction. In fact, I was going to post about how "living precariously" would be like "living vicariously" through someone who had the qualities I mentioned above. But, now that I've typed it all out, I've realized it's not nearly as funny as I'd intended. I should have mentioned it when I started this post, but Caveat Emptor.

The Yard Sale Economy

Right now, there is more money tied up in yard sales than there is gold in Fort Knox. Having just burst forth into the ranks of Yard Sale Elite (L33t S41l0r for you yungins...) I can state this emphatically.

The worst part is, the pile just keeps getting bigger. Here's what I mean. People sell stuff at yard sales because they don't use it anymore. People who think they're going to "save a buck" get up early every saturday morning and go buy stuff. The problem is, they're not going to use it either. So, it will someday be fobbed off on some other unsuspecting professional yard saler. (or one of those people that rent a booth at one of those flea markets) Stuff only goes "in" to the yard sale circuit... it never comes out.

You can see why this is a problem... someone like me who never shops at yard sales, enters the fray with a couple hundred dollars worth of useless stuff. Bam! The yard sale economy grows.

On a very loosely related subject: You have lots of time to think if you are putting on a yard sale. The first person who can show me an official vanity plate (with registration) from any state with the letters "EFUSEEK" gets a $10 Chili's gift certificate.

Hasta,
Ryan

Efficiency

The next time I see something on the news about hybrids, or hydrogen, I'm going to puke. If you know me, you know I'm a diesel guy. I drive a diesel Jetta, and I write software for diesel trucks. It might come as a suprise to some people, but clean, efficient, sustainable transportation is out there for the taking, and it has been for a long time.

If you think I'm kidding, look here.

Every once in a while, you'll see Velvetfoot, Jonathon Bartlett or watercop post about their 60+ mpg cars... of which a few are 8 or 9 years old. Plus, they're 100% compatible with biodiesel, which is clean, renewable and sustainable.

Just a few notes about renewable vs. sustainable. Petroleum is a renewable resource. Sadly, I don't have that much time. Solar energy is sustainable... meaning, you can keep using it until the cows come home, and you don't have to worry about it running out. Your great, great, great, great (ad infinitum) grandchildren might, but you don't.

So, next time someone starts blabbering on about renewable fuels, remind them that we already have renewable fuels, what we need are sustainable ones.

OK, rant's over, back to your lives.

Pomp and Circumstance

Grrr.... This composer thing only works with IE on my computer. I'll have to contact support. I don't think I can take this much of the "evil empire" all in one sitting.

So, today is going to be a neat day... if the weather holds out. They're naming the softball field at my high school after my Grandpa. All my aunts and uncles from across the country are in town. It would suck if it got rained out.

I'll post some pictures that my dad will surely take if the ceremony happens.

Cheers.

Greetings

Auspicious first post... the Composer doesn't work on my browser. I'm shooting from the hip and writing in pure html. Ahh the good ol' days.

"Greetings," was the salutation on all of the WWII draft letters. This was a Trivial Pursuit question, which my Grandpa answered immediately, and then went to his desk to retrive his draft letter. That man keeps everything.

I'm not sure if you'll find anything interesting here or not... I usually just need an outlet for some of the ridiculous stuff that my mind happens to dream up. Maybe someone else will think it is funny/creative and enjoy it.

I picked "German Afternoons" for the title of my blog for a couple of reasons. The title is a direct rip-off from a John Prine album. He's my favorite singer/songwriter, and "Bruised Orange" was already taken! Second, I was born in Germany. That's it. Mystery solved.

Stay tuned for more interesting tidbits.